IV, Chest Tube, Epidurals, and Catheters.

As I'm starting to coming out of my fuzz I realized I was connected to more tubes than I anticipated. I knew I would be hooked up to an IV but what in the heck is this "hose" sticking out of my side?  They had inserted a chest tube to drain the 5 liters of fluid from my chest cavity.  When I say, "hose" it literally was the size of a water hose.  

When I realized I couldn't feel my legs and I started to panic.  "I don't remember the doctor telling me I'll be numb from the waist down!!" I thought for sure something was wrong.  "Maybe she accidently snipped some nerves." I was convinced I was going to be paralyzed.  Chris tried to calm me but I insisted something is wrong.  I started punching my leg as hard as I could and yelled, "See!!!  I can't feel a thing!!!" and he's yelling back at me to stop punching my legs!!!  I had an epidural and the tube was still hanging from my back.  I bet the nurses thought I was out of my mind.  Since I couldn't feel anything "down there" I didn't realize I had a catheter in either.  Ahh...fun times!!!! I'm so glad I can laugh about it now. 

I was in ICU for 3 days.  I don't remember much about ICU.  One thing I do remember was waking up to some commotion.  Apparently, a patient was trying to escape and he and the nurses were screaming at each other.  

They eventually released me from ICU and transfered me to another room.  I was so happy because I thought that it meant I was going home soon.  "As soon as my doctor checks up on me, I'm outta here!!!"  That wasn't the case.  I still had my chest tube in and I were to stay for at least 2 more days.  I was devastated!!!  I just wanted to be home with my family!!!  To make matters worse, the boys were not allowed to visit me. One particular night, our parents said they were taking the boys to Chuck-E-Cheese and Chris would meet them there after visiting hours.    The nurses had urged me to try walking around after Chris left.  I was still hooked up to the catheter and IV so I slowly climbed out of bed grabbed the IV pole and started roaming the hall.  When I got to the end of the hall, I stopped and looked out the window.  This was in January so the trees were bear.  I don't recall what floor I was on but I had a pretty clear view.  When I looked out the window, I realized I could actually see Chuck-E-Cheese from a distance!!!  I sat at that window for about an hour sobbing because I wanted to see them so badly.  I felt so far, yet they were so near.

I don't know how anyone can be addicted to morphine.  It helped with the pain but it left me feeling even worst!!!  I felt like one of those drug addicts you see on that show Intervention.  I would go into this zombie like state for about 20 minutes and then with a snap of a finger I was awake.  I thought it was pretty scary because even though I was in zombie mode, I was still aware of my surroundings but I wasn't able to communicate or move.  I felt like I was just slumped over, drooling all over myself, with my eyes rolled back. 

Not only did I miss my family but was I bored out of my mind.  Really, the only channel that was worth watching was Discovery Channel but after 2 days I got over it.  I couldn't take anymore Alaska fishing shows and I was sick and tired of that Blue Moon beer commercial.  To this day whenever I see Blue Moon beer, I cringe because it just reminds me of being in the hospital.  When the commercials come on, I immediately change the channel.  It's just a painful reminder.

After being in the hospital for a week, the doctor finally gave me the okay to go home but I would have to start chemo in 2 weeks.

The day The King of Pop died

Sorry to leave everyone everyone hanging.  I literally had to force myself to quit typing or I would have stayed up 'til 6 a.m.  I'm still having a difficult time trying to figure out how to set up the design of this blog.  I have no idea what I'm doing.

After learning about the Bitch, the first thing I thought was, "How did this happen?  I don't do drugs, drink, smoke, whore around (never did).  Hell...I rarely drink soda!!  I even worked out like 4-5 days a week!!!  What did I do to deserve this?  Was I that terrible to my parents?  I know between my brother, sister, and I, I was the one that gave them the most grief but was I REALLY that bad?  All I really wanted to do was hang out with my friends. It's not like I was out making out with boys."

I read and was told that if one were to get cancer, the "best" cancer to have is cervical because it's localized.  Whatever!!  My first surgery was a partial hysterectomy.  They removed my cervix but kept my ovaries.  Luckily, I didn't need chemo.  It took about a month for me to recover and life went on...until 9 months later.

I clearly remember, it was the day Michael Jackson died.  We were at the YMCA.  I was taking the kick boxing class.  I've taken this class numerous times so it wasn't more strenuous than normal.  It's always been a challenging class but for some reason this overwhelming feeling of fatigue came over me.  It was so sudden that the instructor even noticed.  She thought it was strange for me to take breaks.  "Yeah, you're right.  I don't know what my deal is.  My boys probably wiped me out."

The weeks following, I started feeling bloated and tightness in my belly. It never even occurred to me that it could be that Bitch.  I eventually went to my PCP and after having an x-ray it showed that I was constipated.  "Ok...I can deal with that.  Just take a laxative and I'm good to go." Nope!!!!  My stomach started to swell.  It got so bad that looked like I was 8 months pregnant.  I even had to break out my old maternity jeans!!!  It was awful!! I went back to my PCP and she immediately ordered a scan.  The scan revealed that I had a tumor on my ovary and she knew immediately that the cancer was back.

Back to my oncologist I went and scheduled for surgery.  The days waiting for surgery was agony.   My stomach was growing bigger and bigger and I was in a great deal of discomfort.  The day before I was to have surgery, I started having difficulty breathing and I almost passed out in the shower.  Luckily, at the time my parents were here and Chris was working from home.  I thought I was going to die that day. 

Chris rushed me to the hospital and they immediately admitted me.  I initially was scheduled to have surgery first thing in the morning but they ordered an xray to see if I had fluid in my lungs.  Thank GOD there was no fluid.  If there was, I would not have been able to have surgery.  So off to surgery I went and the next think I knew was waking up in ICU connected to all these tubes.  "What?  This wasn't planned!!!!"

I'm not afraid...to talk about it.

I should have started this blog back in 2009. Instead, I waited 3 years later at 2:30 a.m. because I never imagined I would have to battle this for this long.  I was so naive to think that after the 1st surgery this evil Bitch would leave me alone forever.  Boy, was I wrong!!  For those of you who are unfamiliar how this started, let me start from the beginning.  The details are fuzzy but I'll try my best.  I'm not the best writer so please don't judge me on my grammar. Even without "chemo brain" I don't think my writing skills would be any better, so please bear with me.

All this started spring of 2009.  My routine pap revealed abnormal so my OB-GYN asked me to come in for a second pap.  I really didn't think anything of it. I've had abnormal results before but each time I've had it redone, it always came back normal.

At the time, both the boys were in preschool. Andrew was in the 4 year class and Josh was with the 3 year olds. I was on my way to pick them I received the call.  My doctor asked me if I was home because he wanted to come by.  My first thoughts were, "He wanted to come by? Why?  That's awfully nice of him to swing by." and "Oh no, he can't come by, the house is a mess!"  I told him I was on my way to pick up the boys.  He asked me if I was driving.  "Yes, but I'm about to pull into the parking lot of the school."  He said, "You have cervical cancer".  I don't remember what my response was but I remember having an out of body experience.  My body went numb but my insides were in overdrive.  I was sitting in the van in front of the school hyperventilating. 

Luckily, I arrived at the school about 30 minutes before they got out so I had enough time to call Chris.  As soon as he answered the phone I just started going into hysterics.  Needless to say, he didn't understand a word I was saying.    At this point, none of the other parents have arrived yet so I decided I would take the boys out of class early so no one would ask me if I was okay because I was a mess!!!  I had to get myself together.  I didn't want the boys to see me in this condition but as soon as Andrew's teacher opened that door, I couldn't help myself and I completely broke down.