Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I'm not afraid...to talk about it.

I should have started this blog back in 2009. Instead, I waited 3 years later at 2:30 a.m. because I never imagined I would have to battle this for this long.  I was so naive to think that after the 1st surgery this evil Bitch would leave me alone forever.  Boy, was I wrong!!  For those of you who are unfamiliar how this started, let me start from the beginning.  The details are fuzzy but I'll try my best.  I'm not the best writer so please don't judge me on my grammar. Even without "chemo brain" I don't think my writing skills would be any better, so please bear with me.

All this started spring of 2009.  My routine pap revealed abnormal so my OB-GYN asked me to come in for a second pap.  I really didn't think anything of it. I've had abnormal results before but each time I've had it redone, it always came back normal.

At the time, both the boys were in preschool. Andrew was in the 4 year class and Josh was with the 3 year olds. I was on my way to pick them I received the call.  My doctor asked me if I was home because he wanted to come by.  My first thoughts were, "He wanted to come by? Why?  That's awfully nice of him to swing by." and "Oh no, he can't come by, the house is a mess!"  I told him I was on my way to pick up the boys.  He asked me if I was driving.  "Yes, but I'm about to pull into the parking lot of the school."  He said, "You have cervical cancer".  I don't remember what my response was but I remember having an out of body experience.  My body went numb but my insides were in overdrive.  I was sitting in the van in front of the school hyperventilating. 

Luckily, I arrived at the school about 30 minutes before they got out so I had enough time to call Chris.  As soon as he answered the phone I just started going into hysterics.  Needless to say, he didn't understand a word I was saying.    At this point, none of the other parents have arrived yet so I decided I would take the boys out of class early so no one would ask me if I was okay because I was a mess!!!  I had to get myself together.  I didn't want the boys to see me in this condition but as soon as Andrew's teacher opened that door, I couldn't help myself and I completely broke down.