Sunday, August 26, 2012

I Don't Know How I Do It Either

I get a lot of comments from friends asking me how do I do it?  I have no idea how I do it!!  Most of the time I'm feeling well so I just do what I would normally do if Bitch wasn't in my life.  What really helps me is my friends and family.  They have been my support.  I've never been one to call a friend up and say "Woe is me" but having my family and friend to keep me occupied makes a difference.  I'm not looking for any gifts...I'm looking for time.  I'm some one asks me about my situation (even a total stranger, I don't mind talking about it at all...ask, and I shall tell.)

I'm usually calm and collective but there was this on instance that REALLY got to me.  It was the first week of Andrew's kindergarden class.  I was in the school and the nurse stopped me.  She said, "You look exactly like this one teacher that used to teach here. I had to do a double take!!" Then, she proceeded to say, " unfortunately, we lost her due to cancer."  I said, "Oh, that's terrible."  She went on to say, "yes it is because her 2 little boys are students here". As I started to walk away, another teacher came walking by and the nurse grabbed the teacher and asked, "Doesn't she look exactly like someone we know?"  As I walked out I was a little irritated but also how could I be mad at someone that has no idea what my situation is.  As I drove off, I felt fine but when I sat at the red light, a panic came over me.  My chest stiffened and I started to hyperventilate.  I could possibly be this teacher!!!!  I needed something to calm me down.

Bitch has no mercy on anyone. Even an innocent infant.  I mean how cruel is that? The mind games are the worst because she cheats and she doesn't keep her promises. She's a "creeper".  When I was in remission I was probably the happiest I've been a long time but that Bitch had to come back and ruin everything for me and my family. When I try to do the things I want to do that Bitch always keeps me from doing it.  Even when I have good days, she always manages to follow it up with a terrible day.  She makes me paranoid and I don't trust her.  Some times I think to my self, "Why did she pick me?"  Why can't she just bully a murderer or a child molester?  I just don't get it.  They say cancer doesn't discriminate.  To me, it seems like she does.  She bullies only best of us.

What's My Poison?

Thank you, Lord!  The poison worked!  There were no traces of disease.  I can continue to live my life.  We outsmarted Bitch!! I thanked God (and still do) for sparing me.  I would take nothing for granted and relish everything that comes my way.  I will no longer complain about my husband.  I will never complain to him that we need work done to the house (although it would be nice), his hockey stuff reeks, and it takes him an eternity to finish any task when it comes to the house. I'll try to help those in need, I will appreciate every breath I take and embrace life.  I will try my best to live the life that God intended me to live and thank Him every moment I can.

I was in remission for a little over two years.  I felt awesome!!! I even got myself a little part time job working at Macy's, which I absolutely loved!!!! Even though I was in remission I still had to have a PET scan every 3-4 months.  I dreaded them but it was just something I had to do. I had my port in for about 2 years at that time so I was looking forward to having it removed. That would have been a huge turning point, having my port removed.  I was looking forward to face to face conversations when eyes didn't wander down to my chest where my port lies. Kinda like when you're having a conversation with someone who has a ginormous zit on their chin. You try your best not to notice it but it's screaming, "Look at me...don't you just want to pop me?" I knew they were wondering, "What is that thing protruding from her chest?" I had one lady comment, "You must had a good time this got a huge hickey on your chest!"  Most cancer patients have their port removed right away but in my case my onco wanted to keep it in "just in case".  

During my last follow up, my onco was very pleased with my progress. All my Pet scans came out clear so she felt we can reduce the scans from 3-4 months to 6 months.  She gave me the option of having one more scan before starting the 6 month was completely up to me. I opted to have one more scan. Normally, we get a call from the nurse to tell me that the scan came out clear.  This particular call was different.  It was the nurse asking me to come in.  I knew IMMEDIATELY something wasn't right but I had to wait 3 days to find out what it is.

It was a devastating blow.  I had traces of cancer in my spleen and liver.  She described it as rice crispies which meant surgery was not an option. She recommend another type of poison but it was back to the drawing board.  We went to MCV and Sloan, and again, both were in agreement with my onco with the type of chemo I were to receive. The chemo schedule was more grueling than my first.  I were to have chemo 3 days in a row then I would have a 3 week break.  A total of six cycles and after the 3rd cycle I would have a scan to check to see if the chemo is actually working.  The results weren't as good as we hoped for.  So, AGAIN she switched me to a different chemo but this time one treatment every 3 weeks. Hopefully, this poison will work.  So here I am today.