Monday, September 3, 2012

I Hope He Hears Me

I apologize for not checking in, a lot has been going on the past few weeks.  I had all the time in the world to blog but my brain just didn't have the strength...seriously!!!!  Sometimes, I'll remember that there's something I forgot but don't remember what it is.  Half the time when I'm in mid sentence I forget my point.  There will be times when I'll be driving and for a split of a second I forget where I'm at or where I'm going.  Most of the time it's humorous but sometimes it's frustrating, especially for Chris.  He has a hard time keeping up with my conversations.  The doctor says it's because I have "chemo brain" which a very common side effect. It's similar to "pregnancy brain".

Well, my last chemo went smoothly.  No complications.  My good friend, Julie, joined us so that was a bonus. Also, my sister came down from Northern VA to help out and keep the kids occupied while I rest. That was nice too because the boys were able to spend time with their cousin, Noah.

Soon after chemo I developed this pain in my groin/pelvic area.  The area where my inner thigh and groin meet.  It was so painful that it hurt when I walk.  Every time I took a step, my right leg would shoot with pain. One night I think I had developed a fever.  I say, "I think" because one of the side effects of chemo is elevated temperature so I didn't know if my temperature increased due to the chemo or if it was related to the pain I was having.  I scheduled an appointment with my oncologist in which she checked "down there" and didn't feel anything abnormal...wheww!!!  She said it could be nerve damage from chemo and suggested that I rest.  "Rest?!  I didn't want to rest!"  We were leaving for the Outer Banks the same day, and I wasn't going to let this keep me from doing the things I wanted to do!!!!!!!!  By the time we got arrived at OBX I was miserable!!!!  I'm not a complainer but I was really feeling like shit! We were staying with friends of ours and I wasn't going to let this ruin my weekend.  My summer was already kaput and all I wanted was one weekend...just one!!! So, I popped some Aleve in my mouth and I was good to go. Rest, I did not!  I did the complete opposite of rest and I have no regrets!!!  We spent the weekend paddle boarding, kayaking, fishing, and just hanging on the beach with some good friends.  I was still feeling pretty bad but still managed to do the things that I love!!!  

By the end of the weekend Bitch said, "I told you so!"  I was in so much pain that I thought I could very well be, "fading".  Chris called the on call doctor but because it was the weekend, they really couldn't do anything for me. He suggested to keep up with the Aleve and my doctor will call the next day.  The Aleve relieved some of the pain the didn't put my mind at ease.  After she referred me to a gastro intestinal doctor he thought it could be a muscular.  Maybe an injury.  "Injury?  When and how could I have injured my groin area?  It's not like I'm having wild monkey sex (or just plain sex) or doing anything strenuous.  Think, Amy, think!!!!" Ding!!!!  

One night sometime after chemo I was laying in bed and one of the dogs meant to jump on the bed but instead jumped on my pelvic area. Stanley is 70 lbs. and Chloe is almost 50 lbs.  I remember screaming in pain and thinking what would happen if I was bruised or something tore.  You would think it would be something I would remember but if you combine Ambien and chemo brain, you won't remember shit unless you have some kind of clue of what you did. I know people to wake up with food in their bed and not remember eating. I still have a little discomfort but I feel so much better. I'm not relying on the Aleve anymore so that's a good sign.

A lot of people tell me that I always have a smile on my face, I'm brave and positive but I often ask myself, "Am I really?" because I feel like I'm screaming in the inside.  When everyone is sound asleep, I'm a total mess!!!!  So many things run through my head. I worry.  Not of myself but for Chris, Andrew, and Josh. "If I'm gone what will become of them? Will they be okay? What if something happens to Chris, what will happen to Andrew and Josh?"  I pray every night asking God to have mercy on me so I can grow old with Chris and I can see my boys become men.  I want to be a grandparent.  Sometimes I think, "Please God, I don't want my parents have to bury their child!!!" Does that sound sick or what?  There are things that pop into my head that I can't help. Like when it's the last episode of a show and a new season won't start until spring.  I think, "Will I be here to see it?"  I wonder if what I'm feeling is normal or am I sick for thinking that way?  Usually, I try to think of the positives but at times the negatives just take over and I end up crying myself to sleep. 

Tomorrow I have my second treatment on the new med. I know things will go smoothly but I always have this feeling of dread.  It's always the same feeling on chemo days. I wake up, and the first thing I do ask myself what day is it, I thank God I'm alive and then, it hits me...shit, I have fucking cancer and I have chemo today.  I dread that I'm going to be stabbed in the chest with a needle that's about as thick as a tack (but longer), the nasty metallic taste, and the IVs.  I dread looking at other people that are there.  I even dread the look and sound of the swivel chairs that only the nurses and doctors are allowed to sit on.  Sometimes, I feel a panic attack coming when one of those chairs are near me because it usually means I'm going to be either poked, prodded, and usually the bearer of bad news.  On a positive note, I am grateful I'm actually getting the treatment that's needed and able to travel to other doctors.  There are some that are unable to afford treatment, or even have family and friends to help care for them and I that's one of many things I thank God for every day!!!

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