Sunday, August 26, 2012

I Don't Know How I Do It Either

I get a lot of comments from friends asking me how do I do it?  I have no idea how I do it!!  Most of the time I'm feeling well so I just do what I would normally do if Bitch wasn't in my life.  What really helps me is my friends and family.  They have been my support.  I've never been one to call a friend up and say "Woe is me" but having my family and friend to keep me occupied makes a difference.  I'm not looking for any gifts...I'm looking for time.  I'm some one asks me about my situation (even a total stranger, I don't mind talking about it at all...ask, and I shall tell.)

I'm usually calm and collective but there was this on instance that REALLY got to me.  It was the first week of Andrew's kindergarden class.  I was in the school and the nurse stopped me.  She said, "You look exactly like this one teacher that used to teach here. I had to do a double take!!" Then, she proceeded to say, " unfortunately, we lost her due to cancer."  I said, "Oh, that's terrible."  She went on to say, "yes it is because her 2 little boys are students here". As I started to walk away, another teacher came walking by and the nurse grabbed the teacher and asked, "Doesn't she look exactly like someone we know?"  As I walked out I was a little irritated but also how could I be mad at someone that has no idea what my situation is.  As I drove off, I felt fine but when I sat at the red light, a panic came over me.  My chest stiffened and I started to hyperventilate.  I could possibly be this teacher!!!!  I needed something to calm me down.

Bitch has no mercy on anyone. Even an innocent infant.  I mean how cruel is that? The mind games are the worst because she cheats and she doesn't keep her promises. She's a "creeper".  When I was in remission I was probably the happiest I've been a long time but that Bitch had to come back and ruin everything for me and my family. When I try to do the things I want to do that Bitch always keeps me from doing it.  Even when I have good days, she always manages to follow it up with a terrible day.  She makes me paranoid and I don't trust her.  Some times I think to my self, "Why did she pick me?"  Why can't she just bully a murderer or a child molester?  I just don't get it.  They say cancer doesn't discriminate.  To me, it seems like she does.  She bullies only best of us.

1 comment:

  1. Amy, you are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman. Thanks for your open discussion about your fight. Watching my neighbor go through breast cancer and a double mastectomy I see the type of strength it takes to face each day! All of you women just amaze me. I know there is nothing I can do from where I am except send my prayers. It is indiscriminate and it sucks. I have often had the same thoughts...why not all the truly bad people? Why can't they get cancer? No answer comes. Someone told me once that when very strong people go through trying times like these they are a beacon and light to those who watch them. Maybe your struggle will help the next woman diagnosed have a role model? As you know I had precancerous cells last 3 paps and I live fearful each time. You were such a comfort to me just with that small trial. I think you are so strong and I'm proud of you friend!